Once again, I welcome you to another episode of our discuss on relationship issues on your darling platform “Let’s talk about it”. In no doubt, l want to believe that we are gaining from the articles published so far. I am propelled to shift my focus to discuss on Ethnicity Sentiment as it affects relationship as a result of true life story shared with me by a youth whom I always refers to as ” Aburo e” I took a stroll while the lockdown continues and decided to beckon on her in her office, the first thing l asked her was how is your son and husband …. And the story seperation of 3years was narrated holding to the fact that , the husband parents refused that Both are not compatible because the wife was from Imo state and husband is from Enugu…. The rest is history, the full story will be our case study for discussion and your suggestions to the victim of seperation will go along way. I felt so sad and l can imagine so many relationship that might have been aborted as a result of ethnicity sentiments. This area of focus l will be dissecting here for us to learn different ethnicity sentiments ranges from language, religion , tribe, religion etc as it affects sustainability of relationship. Let’s talk about it.

Ethnicity is defined as a group of people who identify with each other based on common ancestral, social, cultural, or national experiences.a thought prompted by passion or feeling; a state of mind in view of some subject; feeling toward or respecting some person or thing; disposition prompting to action or expression In other words, ethnicity, like race and gender, are social, political, and economic constructs. Understanding that also means understanding that humans are fallible—and our constructions aren’t always the same or correct.

Marriage, apart from being recognized globally as a matrimonial relationship or union of person(s) who most often are usually of the opposite sex, marriage is an institution which represents all the behaviours, norms, roles, expectations, and values that are associated with legal union of a man and woman. It is one of the principal life events that mark the passage into mature adulthood, and represents a lifelong commitment by two people to each other. As a system, marriage is consummated, following a series of monumental procedures as practiced and understood by cultures of the parties involved. Different communities recognize patterns and types of marriages according to their cultural/social worldview. Nigeria, as a part of the wider African society, has been generally characterized with arranged marriages, polygynous marriages and others. The old tribal traditions are disappearing and more Nigerians are adopting Western concepts of marriage.This trend has led to an unprecedented increase in intercultural marriages in Nigeria. Nigeria is the third most ethnically and linguistically diverse country in the world, after New Guinea and Indonesia (Ethnologue). Nigeria has at least five hundred languages, although the exact number remains unknown since new languages are regularly being recorded for the first time, while others are disappearing. This ethnolinguistic diversity has very significant implications in almost every area of life. Common language, behavior patterns, and values form the base upon which members of the culture exchange meaning with one another in conducting their daily affairs. These similarities generally allow people to predict the responses of others to certain kinds of messages and to take for granted some basic shared assumptions about the nature of reality. In monocultural communication, difference represents the potential for misunderstanding and friction. Thus, social difference of all kinds is discouraged. Intercultural communication—communication between people of different cultures—cannot allow the easy assumption of similarity. By definition, cultures are different in their languages, behaviour patterns, and values. So an attempt to use one’s self as a predictor of shared assumptions and responses to messages is unlikely to work. Because cultures embody such variety in patterns of perception and behaviour, approaches to communication in cross-cultural situations guard against inappropriate assumptions of similarity and encourage the consideration of difference. Communication is a common source of discord in marriage due to the inherent differences in the communication styles of various culture. Patterns of communication are imprinted early and typically persist through adulthood. Miscommunication can occur because of the tendency to send and interpret messages based on one’s own cultural code and cues for communication. Specifically, discrepant styles of communication and values related to childrearing are common examples of cross-cultural challenges experienced as an intercultural couple. The wife may want to inculcate her language to the child at an early age unconsciously or even consciously. This may not go down well with the husband who may feel that his language should be the major language the child should learn. Taking for instance, Bunmi, Yoruba woman married to an Igbo man: I had the language barrier problem with my husband. He’s Igbo and I’m Yoruba. He insisted that our children learn the Igbo language first. I guess he could say that because he taught me Igbo language…I didn’t agree at first but he was hell-bent on his view. So I gave in. Our children speak Igbo language; I intend to teach them Yoruba though… Even among intercultural couples, language barrier creates a problem. This is especially the case if one spouse does not know how to speak the language of his/her spouse. A spouse who is Yoruba may struggle to learn or communicate in Igbo language if he/she is married to an Igbo man/woman.

Another instance, Rafiat, an Hausa woman married to an Ibibio man opines that: Within the first two years of our marriage, I suffered terribly as result of my inability to hear and speak Ibibio, my husband’s language. I vowed to learn the language and in six months I started hearing Ibibio, but I didn’t let anyone in the house know. Within a year, I was fluent in speaking Ibibio. You could imagine the joy! It was then that I discovered that my in-laws could actually use derogatory words about me in my presence. One day, I gave them a big shock, when they were talking about getting another wife for my husband- I told them not to dare me in their own language. They simply moped at me speechless! This has brought about the resort to Pidgin English and Standard English as the lingua franca in most intercultural homes. This is just one out of many ethincity factors that breaks a relationship….. To be continued in my next edition , from the stable of your relationship pathologist

Once again, I welcome you to another episode of our discuss on relationship issues on your darling platform “Let’s talk about it”. In no doubt, l want to believe that we are gaining from the articles published so far. I am propelled to shift my focus to discuss on Ethnicity Sentiment as it affects relationship as a result of true life story shared with me by a youth whom I always refers to as ” Aburo e” I took a stroll while the lockdown continues and decided to beckon on her in her office, the first thing l asked her was how is your son and husband …. And the story seperation of 3years was narrated holding to the fact that , the husband parents refused that Both are not compatible because the wife was from Imo state and husband is from Enugu…. The rest is history, the full story will be our case study for discussion and your suggestions to the victim of seperation will go along way. I felt so sad and l can imagine so many relationship that might have been aborted as a result of ethnicity sentiments. This area of focus l will be dissecting here for us to learn different ethnicity sentiments ranges from language, religion , tribe, religion etc as it affects sustainability of relationship. Let’s talk about it.

Ethnicity is defined as a group of people who identify with each other based on common ancestral, social, cultural, or national experiences.a thought prompted by passion or feeling; a state of mind in view of some subject; feeling toward or respecting some person or thing; disposition prompting to action or expression In other words, ethnicity, like race and gender, are social, political, and economic constructs. Understanding that also means understanding that humans are fallible—and our constructions aren’t always the same or correct.

Marriage, apart from being recognized globally as a matrimonial relationship or union of person(s) who most often are usually of the opposite sex, marriage is an institution which represents all the behaviours, norms, roles, expectations, and values that are associated with legal union of a man and woman. It is one of the principal life events that mark the passage into mature adulthood, and represents a lifelong commitment by two people to each other. As a system, marriage is consummated, following a series of monumental procedures as practiced and understood by cultures of the parties involved. Different communities recognize patterns and types of marriages according to their cultural/social worldview. Nigeria, as a part of the wider African society, has been generally characterized with arranged marriages, polygynous marriages and others. The old tribal traditions are disappearing and more Nigerians are adopting Western concepts of marriage.This trend has led to an unprecedented increase in intercultural marriages in Nigeria. Nigeria is the third most ethnically and linguistically diverse country in the world, after New Guinea and Indonesia (Ethnologue). Nigeria has at least five hundred languages, although the exact number remains unknown since new languages are regularly being recorded for the first time, while others are disappearing. This ethnolinguistic diversity has very significant implications in almost every area of life. Common language, behavior patterns, and values form the base upon which members of the culture exchange meaning with one another in conducting their daily affairs. These similarities generally allow people to predict the responses of others to certain kinds of messages and to take for granted some basic shared assumptions about the nature of reality. In monocultural communication, difference represents the potential for misunderstanding and friction. Thus, social difference of all kinds is discouraged. Intercultural communication—communication between people of different cultures—cannot allow the easy assumption of similarity. By definition, cultures are different in their languages, behaviour patterns, and values. So an attempt to use one’s self as a predictor of shared assumptions and responses to messages is unlikely to work. Because cultures embody such variety in patterns of perception and behaviour, approaches to communication in cross-cultural situations guard against inappropriate assumptions of similarity and encourage the consideration of difference. Communication is a common source of discord in marriage due to the inherent differences in the communication styles of various culture. Patterns of communication are imprinted early and typically persist through adulthood. Miscommunication can occur because of the tendency to send and interpret messages based on one’s own cultural code and cues for communication. Specifically, discrepant styles of communication and values related to childrearing are common examples of cross-cultural challenges experienced as an intercultural couple. The wife may want to inculcate her language to the child at an early age unconsciously or even consciously. This may not go down well with the husband who may feel that his language should be the major language the child should learn. Taking for instance, Bunmi, Yoruba woman married to an Igbo man: I had the language barrier problem with my husband. He’s Igbo and I’m Yoruba. He insisted that our children learn the Igbo language first. I guess he could say that because he taught me Igbo language…I didn’t agree at first but he was hell-bent on his view. So I gave in. Our children speak Igbo language; I intend to teach them Yoruba though… Even among intercultural couples, language barrier creates a problem. This is especially the case if one spouse does not know how to speak the language of his/her spouse. A spouse who is Yoruba may struggle to learn or communicate in Igbo language if he/she is married to an Igbo man/woman.

Another instance, Rafiat, an Hausa woman married to an Ibibio man opines that: Within the first two years of our marriage, I suffered terribly as result of my inability to hear and speak Ibibio, my husband’s language. I vowed to learn the language and in six months I started hearing Ibibio, but I didn’t let anyone in the house know. Within a year, I was fluent in speaking Ibibio. You could imagine the joy! It was then that I discovered that my in-laws could actually use derogatory words about me in my presence. One day, I gave them a big shock, when they were talking about getting another wife for my husband- I told them not to dare me in their own language. They simply moped at me speechless! This has brought about the resort to Pidgin English and Standard English as the lingua franca in most intercultural homes. This is just one out of many ethincity factors that breaks a relationship….. To be continued in my next edition , from the stable of your relationship pathologist

I started with this topic in my first pulished article online which I believed you have gotten one point or two to strengthen your Marriages, Relationship and homes, this serve as the concluding part which will concretize your understanding on meta emotions style in sustaining Relationship.

Relationship problems is what Everybody, every homes experienced. And sometimes you have them over and over and over.Most of the people giving advice don’t know the might not even have the knowledge of what you are passing through . But this concluding part will give you real response to salvage the relationship problems .Among things to learn are;

1. The four things that doom relationships.
2. The three things that prevent those four things.
3. The most important part of any relationship conversation.
4. The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working.

Four Things that Doom Relationship

1. Criticism: This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Criticism staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. Don’t worry, we’ll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.

2. Defensiveness: This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. It is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem.

3. Contempt: It’s the predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you’re a better person than they are. Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.

4. Stonewalling: It’s shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, “I don’t care.” And 85% of the time it’s guys who do this.(Okay, that’s what kills a relationship.

Preventing this from happening in order to sustain relationship the following measures must be put into consideration;

1. know Thy Partner: it could be called building “love maps.” It’s really knowing your partner inside and out. A love map is like a road map you make of your partner’s internal psychological world. The spouse will always asking questions about their partner and disclosing personal details about themselves. Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn’t spend that time. In fact, most couples don’t spend that much time.

2. Responding Positively to “bid”No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner’s attention.You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice day, isn’t it?”

It’s almost like a video game: when the person responds positively (“turning towards a bid”) your relationship gets a point.

When they don’t respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here’s John:

The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33% of the time. The couples stayed married had turned toward bids 86% of the time. Huge difference.

Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They’re able to repair problems. They’re able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here’s John:

If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that’s been replicated in several studies.

3: Show admiration

Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here.)

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working…

The Best Predictor Of How Good A Relationship Is
You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?

When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell?

Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?

Or did it dwell on what’s wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that’s utterly wrong?

This simple “story of us” predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here’s John:

Our best prediction of the future of a relationship came from a couple’s “story of us.” It’s an ever-changing final appraisal of the relationship and your partner’s character. Some people were really developing a “story of us” that was very negative in which they really described all the problems in the relationship. They really emphasize what was missing. Masters did just the opposite: they minimized the negative qualities that all of us have and they cherish their partner’s positive qualities. They nurture gratitude instead of resentment.

(For more on what research says makes love last, click here.)

Is there a part of a relationship conversation that’s critical? Actually, there is.

The Most Important Part Of A Relationship Conversation
It’s the beginning. 96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes. Here’s John:

Negativity feeds on itself and makes the conversation stay negative. We also did seven years of research on how Masters repair that negativity. One of the most powerful things is to say “Hey, this isn’t all your fault, I know that part of this is me. Let’s talk about what’s me and what’s you.” Accepting responsibility is huge for repair.

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn’t just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after 6 years of marriage.

Via Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love:

…it went on to predict with high accuracy their fate over a 6-year period of time. The predictions we made about couples’ futures held across seven separate studies, they held for heterosexual as well as same-sex couples, and they held throughout the life course.

So you’re talking and you’re starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why?

When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, “Learn how to be a good listener.”

The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here’s John:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, “Baby when you’re in pain, when you’re unhappy, when you hurt, I’m not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don’t like your negativity. I’m busy, I’m really involved with the kids, I’m really involved with my job.” Whereas the Masters have the model of, “When you’re unhappy, even if it’s with me, the world stops and I listen.”

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. They won’t be resolved.

Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn’t going to work — but it will make them angry. Here’s John:

In the studies that Bob Levenson and I did, we brought couples back into the lab every couple of years to find out what they are arguing about. And people resolved only about 31% of their disagreements. You can edit these videotapes together and it looked like the same conversation over and over for 22 years. Masters learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They seem to say, “There’s a lot of good stuff here and I can ignore the annoying things.”

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Relationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over.Most of the people giving advice don’t know the research. So where are the real answers?.So what are you going to learn here?

1. The four things that doom relationships.
2. The three things that prevent those four things.
3. The most important part of any relationship conversation.
4. The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working. (It’s so easy you can do it yourself in 2 minutes.)

Criticism: This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Here’s John:Criticism is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.)

Defensiveness: This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. Here’s John:The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, “Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this.”

Contempt: It’s the #1 predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you’re a better person than they are. Here’s John:Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.

Stonewalling: It’s shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, “I don’t care.” And 85% of the time it’s guys who do this.(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click here.)Okay, that’s what kills a relationship. Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right?

3 Things That Make Horsemen Go Bye-ByeFrom looking at the Masters, John saw what prevented the downward spiral of the 4 Horsemen:

1. know Thy Partner: John calls this building “love maps.” It’s really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters’ most powerful secrets. Here’s John:

A love map is like a road map you make of your partner’s internal psychological world. The Masters were always asking questions about their partner and disclosing personal details about themselves.

Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn’t spend that time. In fact, most couples don’t spend that much time.

John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. Yeah, 35 minutes.

And even most of that was just logistics — “When will you be there?” “Don’t forget to pick up milk.” — not deep personal stuff like the Masters.

2: Responding positively to “bids”

No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner’s attention.

You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice day, isn’t it?”

It’s almost like a video game: when the person responds positively (“turning towards a bid”) your relationship gets a point.

When they don’t respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here’s John:

The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33% of the time. The couples stayed married had turned toward bids 86% of the time. Huge difference.

Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They’re able to repair problems. They’re able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here’s John:

If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that’s been replicated in several studies.

3: Show admiration

Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here.)

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working…

The Best Predictor Of How Good A Relationship Is
You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?

When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell?

Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?

Or did it dwell on what’s wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that’s utterly wrong?

This simple “story of us” predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here’s John:

Our best prediction of the future of a relationship came from a couple’s “story of us.” It’s an ever-changing final appraisal of the relationship and your partner’s character. Some people were really developing a “story of us” that was very negative in which they really described all the problems in the relationship. They really emphasize what was missing. Masters did just the opposite: they minimized the negative qualities that all of us have and they cherish their partner’s positive qualities. They nurture gratitude instead of resentment.

(For more on what research says makes love last, click here.)

Is there a part of a relationship conversation that’s critical? Actually, there is.

The Most Important Part Of A Relationship Conversation
It’s the beginning. 96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes. Here’s John:

Negativity feeds on itself and makes the conversation stay negative. We also did seven years of research on how Masters repair that negativity. One of the most powerful things is to say “Hey, this isn’t all your fault, I know that part of this is me. Let’s talk about what’s me and what’s you.” Accepting responsibility is huge for repair.

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn’t just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after 6 years of marriage.

Via Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love:

…it went on to predict with high accuracy their fate over a 6-year period of time. The predictions we made about couples’ futures held across seven separate studies, they held for heterosexual as well as same-sex couples, and they held throughout the life course.

So you’re talking and you’re starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why?

When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, “Learn how to be a good listener.”

The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here’s John:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, “Baby when you’re in pain, when you’re unhappy, when you hurt, I’m not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don’t like your negativity. I’m busy, I’m really involved with the kids, I’m really involved with my job.” Whereas the Masters have the model of, “When you’re unhappy, even if it’s with me, the world stops and I listen.”

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. They won’t be resolved.

Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn’t going to work — but it will make them angry. Here’s John:

In the studies that Bob Levenson and I did, we brought couples back into the lab every couple of years to find out what they are arguing about. And people resolved only about 31% of their disagreements. You can edit these videotapes together and it looked like the same conversation over and over for 22 years. Masters learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They seem to say, “There’s a lot of good stuff here and I can ignore the annoying things.”

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton